


The Spare Shepard

by misscai



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff, Pre-Mass Effect 2, and during ME2, maybe angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 09:17:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5738083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misscai/pseuds/misscai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Normandy goes down over Alchera, and there is a tragic casualty. Cerberus brings her back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A row of occupied chairs behind a cold metal table, facing another row of occupied chairs on a raised dais, giving the feeling of looming judgment. Perhaps not just a feeling; looming judgment was indeed what was coming. Shepard dug her nails into her dress-blue covered thighs, taking the brief minutes of recess to look at her companions.

At the farthest left, there was Garrus, his mandibles twitching in agitation, clan paint scratched and chipping. His visor interface was active—Shepard could only imagine what he was looking at, and if her guesses were correct, well... he was doing a damn good job of hiding his reactions. Tali sat next to him, fingers clasped tightly together in her lap. The slight shivers that shook her body showed the emotions that were hidden behind her mask. Wrex was next, his red eyes narrowed with annoyance and something else that Shepard was too tired to discern. Ashley, right next to Shepard's left shoulder, was stoic, everything about her organized and stony. At least to the untrained eye; Shepard could recognize the nervous twitch of her fingertips.

The right side of the table looked much worse for wear. Liara, next to Shepard, had deep blue smudges under her eyes, signaling her lack of sleep. She had yet to lift her eyes away from the tabletop. Beside her, Kaidan sat at war with himself. His spine was ridged, attempting to look professional, but his shoulders sank as if under some great weight. Chakwas had a tissue in her hands, discreetly dabbing at her cheeks every now and then. And then there was Joker, who looked as somber as Shepard had ever seen him. His bright, playful eyes had dimmed to a haunted jade, unfocused and oblivious to the goings-on around him.

“We have a few more questions,” The asari councilor said, bringing a hush back to the room as the meeting resumed. “This ship that attacked the Normandy, none of you recognized it?”

“It sure as hell wasn't anything familiar,” Wrex grumbled.

“The ship fired a sustained, directable laser beam,” Ashley said with the chill of a solely scientific tone. “Any ship belonging to a known race operates with guns or cannons.”

“And there is no possibility than a race has developed such a ship in secret?” The turian councilor inquired.

“Impossible,” Tali declared. “With the ship's size, there would be no way to keep it hidden.” There was another moment of quiet as the councilors took this in, then the salarian leaned forward with a datapad in her hands.

“All of you have said that the deceased soldier had been aboard the Normandy since before the exposure of Saren, yet there are no records of her assignment to the ship. How did she come aboard?”

“She was wounded in a firefight in Chora's Den,” Garrus spoke up. “She was a bystander, but she helped us eliminate the enemy. She was wearing an Alliance uniform, so Commander Shepard took her aboard the Normandy.”

“But she had no information against Saren,” The asari councilor said. “I fail to see the usefulness in adding her to the Normandy's team.”

“Usefulness?” Kaidan growled, his voice hoarse with disuse. Liara squeezed his elbow, cautioning him to silence. _At least there's a little life in his eyes now_ , Shepard thought.

“I have to agree,” The turian councilor added, rubbing at his jaw. “She may have been an Alliance soldier, but there are hundreds of Alliance soldiers on Citadel, and there were probably a dozen others in Chora's Den during the shootout. What made this particular soldier such a valuable addition to the Normandy's cause?” Anger bubbled up in Shepard, reaching its boiling point. She tensed to stand up, but the second she decided to make her move, someone else took over.

“She put her life on the line for all of us,” Joker said, startling everyone with the ferocity in his voice. He planted his palms on the table, pushing out of his chair and standing tall despite the shaking of his knees and the pained furrow of his brow. “She kept Wrex from being shot, even when he had his hand on her throat, ready to choke her to death. She jumped out of a shuttle, completely unarmed, to save Kaidan before a nuclear bomb exploded right next to them. And...” His fingers curled into fists at his sides, Shepard's stomach twisting when she saw the tears in his eyes. He was hurting, physically and emotionally. “And when that Collector ship attacked the Normandy, she got me into an escape pod because she knew I couldn't make it on my own.” He worked his jaw, squeezing his eyes shut against the raw memory. When he collected himself, he regarded the council with steel and fire. “So, yeah, she wasn't supposed to be on the Normandy. But she was a valuable part of the team, and if you can't see that...” He shook his head, sagging finally under his own weight. Chakwas stood and helped to support him. “I'm done here.” He accepted Chakwas's arm around his waist, limping alongside her as they exited the council room. A few minutes of silence followed Joker's departure.

“Well,” The salarian councilor said, steepling her fingers. “I think that's all we need. It appears there has been no neglect of ship maintenance nor a breach in protocol. You're all free to go.”

.

“Shepard,” Liara said softly, placing a hand on Shepard's shoulder. The commander downed the rest of her drink before setting the glass down with a clatter. “She wouldn't want this.”

“She wouldn't wanna be suffocatin' in space, either,” Shepard slurred aggressively, reaching across the table to steal Ashley's drink—the bartender had cut her off three glasses ago. Liara's gaze softened to pity, and Shepard glared at her. “Stop that.”

“I'm worried about you.” Liara slid into the chair next to Shepard, the flashing lights of Flux playing with the colors of their skin. “About all of the crew, really, but especially you.” She moved her touch down, curling her fingers with Shepard's and squeezing lightly. “You need some sort of closure.”

“How is there closure for this?” Shepard asked, sounding suddenly less drunk and much more vulnerable. “My cousin, my own flesh and blood, died on my watch, and I don't even have a fucking body to bury.” She took a gulp of her drink, then leaned into Liara, burying her head in the asari woman's shoulder. “She was barely eighteen. She had her whole life ahead of her, and now she's gone.”

“She was brave, and selfless. We will all miss her greatly,” Liara said, running a hand through Shepard's hair. “Do you want to have a memorial?”

“Yeah,” Shepard sniffed after a moment, straightening up and finishing her drink before getting to her feet. Liara stayed at her side, watching nervously for any signs of illness or fainting. “Yeah, get the crew. She deserves a goodbye.”


	2. Chapter 2

_It's dark. Someone is yelling, but it's tinny and distant. 'Wake up'? How do I do that?_

_Start with the eyes. Open them. What are the muscles for it? Right, there we go. Open._

_Everything is white in here. Who is yelling? 'Get up' is next. Roll over. Legs down. Toes on the floor. Okay, on the count of three, we stand up._

The moment her weight left the table, her legs buckled. That voice was giving instructions again, something about an attack going on and how she needed to get moving. She followed the voice, grabbing the pistol from the locker in the corner of the room. Her muscles felt foreign and unusual, her body barely cooperating as she moved from cover to cover, taking down corrupted mechs as she went. The voice directed her through hallways, but the name was wrong. Whoever it was kept calling her 'Shepard'. She wasn't 'Shepard'. Jane was 'Shepard'. Where was Jane?

“Shepard? What the hell?” A new voice said, this one male and right in front of her. The man reached out and yanked her behind cover, popping the heads off of two mechs before ducking down beside her. “Things must be really bad if Miranda's got you up and moving.”

“Who are you? Where am I?” Renny blinked at him, everything too bright for her eyes.

“Jacob Taylor. You're on a research facility that's currently under attack. We need to get down to the shuttle bay. This way.” He led her through more hallways, eventually coming to the core room controlling the mechs. A man named Wilson was sprawled on the floor, bleeding from the leg. Renny grabbed a pack of medi-gel from the wall locker and applied it to Wilson's wound, getting him back on his feet. He called her Shepard, too.

“What's going on?” She asked, feeling a pit of anxiety in her stomach. “Why am I here?”

“I'll explain everything,” Jacob said, reloading his gun, “but we need to get to the shuttle now, or we're toast. These mechs are everywhere.” She conceded for the moment, following Jacob and Wilson to the shuttles. At least the combat was easy, familiar. She knew how to point and shoot, even if the movements felt strange. They paused outside of an elevator, which pinged open before any of them could touch the controls. A woman stood inside, clad in a tight monochrome outfit.

“Miranda?” Wilson asked disbelievingly. The woman raised her gun and shot him straight through the chest.

“What the hell, Miranda?” Jacob gaped as the man's body dropped lifeless to the ground.

“He betrayed us. He's the one who messed with the mechs. We have to go.” She motioned them towards a shuttle, and they strapped in quickly before flying off into space.

.

“Before you meet the Illusive Man, Shepard, we need to run a few tests to evaluate your condition,” Miranda said as the shuttle raced towards its destination.

“My condition? What's wrong with me? What is going on?” The adrenaline from the fight was wearing off, and coupled with her anxious energy, her fingertips were beginning to shake.

“You've been comatose for two years while the Lazarus Project rebuilt you, Shepard,” Jacob said. “The station we left was owned by Cerberus. The Illusive Man that we're going to meet is the organization's leader. He authorized the project to bring you back.”

“Back from where?” She asked in a whisper, the information making her head ache.

“You... don't remember?” Jacob furrowed his brow. “Your ship, the Normandy, was attacked and destroyed. You got spaced. You died. Cerberus found your body and rebuilt you from almost scratch. First time I saw you, you were meat and tubes.” That did it. Her heart dropped before breaking out in an erratic frenzy. Shallow breaths rattled from her chest, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. A veil of dread and fear fell on her. “Shepard? What's happening? Miranda, what's wrong with her?” Miranda was examining a datapad rather frantically, her brow creased.

“P-Panic atta-a-ck,” Renny gasped out, struggling to unbuckle herself from the seat. Jacob leaned over and snapped the clasp, releasing her.

“There's nothing in your file that says you have anxiety problems,” Miranda said, obviously disgruntled at this oversight.

“Commander Shepard, you need to calm down,” Jacob said, and Renny blinked at him through watery eyes, clutching a hand to her chest.

“Com—Commander?” Renny repeated. “I'm not... I'm not a command-der.”

“What?” Jacob's confused gaze turned to Miranda. “We were supposed to bring back Commander Shepard.”

“You match the blood type—you responded to the name!” Miranda accused Renny, clutching onto the datapad as she tapped at it furiously. “Commander Jane Shepard of the SSV Normandy. All other crew members have been accounted for; if you aren't her, who are you?”

“L-Lauren Shepard. Jane is my... my cousin.” She was calming down, despite herself, still trembling but focusing on her breathing to bring herself back. Miranda swore viciously, and Jacob just looked astonished as he sat back in his own seat.

“We're going to have some explaining to do,” He mumbled as the shuttle approached a docking bay.

.

Renny fidgeted as she stepped into the blue halo of lights, the darkness around her shimmering until she saw a giant red planet. In front of it was a man's silhouette, completely black save for the glow of a cigarette butt and strange bright blue eyes. He lived up to his name.

“I'm the wrong person,” Renny said when the silence grew too unbearable. “Miranda and Jacob said you wanted Commander Shepard. I'm just Lauren.”

“I know who you are. You are the one I wanted, despite what I told Miranda and Jacob.” He leaned forward in his chair, steepling his fingertips together as he regarded her. “You saw the Collector threat firsthand. I intend to stop it, but we need a strong leader who can operate outside of the Council in order to get this done. Commander Shepard, with her Spectre status and her success in dealing with the geth, is the perfect candidate. However, she doesn't trust Cerberus and won't work with us.”

“Is Cerberus untrustworthy?” Renny asked, eyes narrowing just the slightest. The Illusive Man took a drag of his cigarette.

“Cerberus has a reputation. We're a pro-human organization—not anti-alien, understand, just pro-human. Our focus is on our own species. Lots of people call us terrorists for that.” He shrugged as if he couldn't be bothered with it. “Shepard is a pure-bred Alliance soldier. She would have learned to hate Cerberus. She won't trust us.”

“And how am I supposed to fix that? I don't trust you either.”

“You go see Shepard,” The Illusive Man said. “She'll ask what happened, you tell her that Cerberus saved your life, and that they need her help. Think of it as a favor for a favor.”

“She won't do it,” Renny insisted. “I know her.”

“Then we have a few other backup plans in place. This is the easiest, so it's where we'll start.” He stood, putting out his cigarette and folding his arms over his chest as he regarded Renny. “The fate of humanity rests on your ability to convince Shepard to join us. Will you do it?”

“What are the backup plans?” Renny asked hesitantly, wary of the answer.

“Succeed, and you'll never need to find out,” He said before closing their connection.

.

Jacob met her outside of the communications room, a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. Renny gave him a curious glance before scanning the rest of the facility. There was significantly more activity, especially moving in and out of a large door at the far end of the room.

“We're getting ready to ship out,” Jacob explained. “The Illusive Man sent instructions. Leaving immediately.”

“To find Shepard?”

“Not exactly. We're gathering a team first. I'll forward the message to your omni-tool.”

“I don't have my omni-tool,” Renny said, glancing down at her hands and subsequently her whole body. It had just registered that she was still wearing gray cotton trousers and a loose-fitting yellow shirt—the hospital clothing that Cerberus had dressed her in after reconstructing her body. “Or... anything, really.”

“Right. Miranda found you some armor; it's on the ship already. But she did have your omni-tool, right here.” He dug into his pocket and handed it over. Renny clutched it tightly, relieved to have something that was hers. She didn't activate it, not yet, too nervous to see any messages that her former crewmates might have sent her. “There is one more thing...” He led her towards a side room, pausing outside the door. “We recovered another piece of your past. You might want to take a minute to prepare yourself.”

With that he left her standing alone outside the door, staring at the green holo screen that would open at a touch. Fingers shaking, Renny reached out to place her palm over the pad, and the door slid away with an obedient beep.


	3. Chapter 3

“Come to feed me more bullshit about her being alive? 'Cause I'm really not in the mood,” A familiar voice griped, though the tone was less playful than she remembered, and much more aching. She sucked in a quiet gasp, tears already dripping down her cheeks as her trembling spread to her whole body. The man seated at the table, glaring at his cup of coffee, turned around at the noise. “Seriously, fu—” His jaw dropped when he locked his gaze on Renny. She tried a wobbly smile, then gave in to her emotions and stumbled blindly towards him, falling to her knees and wrapping her arms around his calves. Her sobs were buried in his legs, and even in her desperate relief she was careful not to squeeze him too hard. “R-Renny?” His voice was disbelieving and hollow, enough to catch Renny's attention. She sniffled hard, lifting her head and nodding.

“It's me. It's me.”

“You... You can't... You aren't here,” He said, squeezing his eyes shut and turning his head away. “This is a dream. You aren't here.”

“Jeff,” Renny whispered, his gaze snapping back to her at the sound of his name. She caught his wrist and splayed his palm against her cheek, encouraging him to feel the solidity of her form. “I'm here. It's me.”

“My God.” His fingers smoothed across her skin before winding into her hair. She started crying again when he pulled her up onto her knees, pressing her face into his chest. His heartbeat thrummed in her ears. “Renny, oh my God, you're here.”

“I'm here,” She confirmed, deliriously happy. They sat in relative silence for a while, until Renny's tears ceased and Joker allowed her to pull back. It nearly broke her heart to see that he scrubbed at his eyes, erasing the evidence of his own crying.

“Ren, I'm... I... Back on the Normandy, I... I'm so—”

“Shh.” She shook her head, resting a comforting hand on his thigh. “Don't. Don't you dare blame yourself, Jeff Moreau.”

“If I hadn't been so stubborn,” He frowned, pain in his expression. “If I hadn't tried to argue, we... you would've made it. It's—”

“Your fault?” She guessed, knowing she was correct when he winced. “You're wrong. I wouldn't have made it anyway.”

“But—”

“I was suffocating,” Renny said with a small, sad smile. “One of the explosions cut my oxygen tube. I knew I only had a minute or two. Jane was getting the rest of the crew into escape pods, but I had a feeling you wouldn't be with them, and I wasn't going to die without saving you first.”

“But why?” 

“Couldn't leave the best damn pilot in the whole Alliance behind, could I?” She teased lightly, earning a strained chuckle.

“I guess it would've looked bad on the report,” He conceded, and she was quiet for a moment before she asked the next logical question.

“How'd you end up with Cerberus?” Renny asked.

“The Council didn't believe us when we said the Normandy was attacked by Collectors. Cerberus came to me just a few weeks ago, said they were going after the Collectors and they needed a pilot for a top-of-the-line frigate. Since the Alliance grounded me, I joined up.” He shifted a little in his seat, studying her face. “They just told me an hour ago. About you. I didn't believe them, but... I'm damn glad they were telling the truth.” He curled his fingers around hers, looking slightly embarrassed as he did so. Renny couldn't help but giggle.

“Have I made the infamous Joker blush?” She teased. “And all it took was dying and coming back to life.”

“Yeah, congratulations. You're the only girl who will ever be able to do it,” He grinned. Renny smiled, her expression softening as she leaned against his legs, keeping their hands laced together as they basked in each other's company.

.

Renny took her time in the new Normandy's CO cabin. It would be Shepard's when they brought her aboard, but for now Renny would be using the facilities. She stripped out of her hospital clothes and took a nice long shower before dressing in black camouflage pants and a gray tee. Most everything else was Cerberus-related, and she wasn't interested in being labeled as 'theirs'. With bare feet and still-wet hair, she headed down to the bridge and into the cockpit.

“How does she compare to the old girl?” Renny asked, leaning over the back of Joker's chair. He glanced up at her with a grin.

“All the same, but better. Say what you want about Cerberus, they can build a good ship.” He made a few adjustments on the flight controls, then relaxed in his seat. Renny perched on the floor next to his legs, leaning her back on the control desk and facing Joker, who raised an eyebrow. “You know, there's a perfectly functional co-pilot's seat right there. Like, right there. Maybe two feet away.”

“Yeah, but...” She glanced over that way, remembering her time on the SR-1, when she'd been sitting on the floor and giggling at conversation between Joker and Kaidan, who took his spot in the co-pilot chair. A lump caught in her throat as she reminisced, knowing that those days that seemed so recent were now two years in the past. Would Kaidan still remember the teasing about his biotics? Would Joker recall the game she'd made out of stealing his hat when he dozed off at the controls?

“Ren?” Joker asked, nudging her with one leg. Renny snapped out of it, blinking and smiling immediately.

“I'm just desperate to be close to you, Moreau. Please indulge my schoolgirl crush,” She teased, batting her eyelashes at him. He just rolled his eyes, looking over at the co-pilot chair and adopting a faint smile.

“Alenko always whined about that damn chair,” He said. “Bet he'd like the new one. I don't know what kind of leather this is, but I want everything I own to be made in this leather. Chair, bed, towels, clothes...”

“That good, huh?” Renny poked at the armrest. “You'll be well-off while you're flying us to... wherever we're going right now.”

“You don't know? Jacob sent TIM's instruction email to everyone important. You should've gotten it.”

“Oh, I probably—wait, who's TIM?”

“The Illusive Man. It's too many syllables, though, and it sounds scary, so I'm calling him TIM.”

“I see. Well, I probably got the message, but it's on my omni-tool.”

“Maybe they didn't fix your eyesight, Ren. Your omni-tool is on your hand.” Joker gave her a curious, concerned once-over. She glanced down at the little device, reluctant to turn it on.

“Do you think anyone left messages, while I was...?” Her murmur was quiet, but Joker still heard. He closed the control console and leaned towards her, grabbing her wrists and gently tugging until she stood. Then he patted his thighs with an expectant look. Renny opened her mouth to protest.

“You won't break me.” He rolled his eyes, then playfully flexed his biceps. “You're light as a feather. Couldn't hurt me if you wanted to.”

“You complained about your wrist hurting after I high-fived you that once,” Renny said.

“Well... Here.” He shifted his legs to one side, freeing up a few inches of the chair. Renny shook her head but carefully settled into the space, draping her legs over the armrest to keep her weight off of Joker. He made do with settling his hand on her kneecap. She sighed as she fiddled with her omni-tool. “Suppose I can't ignore it forever.”

“I left messages,” He confessed, resting his chin on her shoulder. “Videos. You should probably skip them, though. I was drunk for most of them. Lots of swearing, manly tears, apologizing. You know. Like today, but worse and repeatedly.” There was a pause. “Also I sent you birthday messages.” Renny giggled, leaning into him.

“I look forward to that.” She powered up the omni-tool, then took a deep breath. “Promise you won't tease me if I cry?”

“Hell, I might cry, too. I won't tell if you don't. What happens in the pilot's chair stays in the pilot's chair.” He squeezed her knee as the unread messages started pinging into her inbox. When the alerts ceased, Renny opened the mailbox and scrolled to the oldest message. Surprisingly, it was from Wrex, a grumbling email about the way everyone was depressed and how dare she allow space to conquer her. It made Renny giggle, despite the actual content of the message. After that came a video from Garrus, showing every detail in calibrating her Vindicator—a video she'd requested long before the Normandy was destroyed. It touched her that he remembered.

A slew of messages came within the same three day period, at least one for every member of the Normandy's crew. Renny glanced at them, then at Joker when he stiffened. She trailed two fingers down his jawline until he spoke.

“That was...” A heavy sigh, still ripe with sad remembrance. “We had a memorial. Looks like everyone got sentimental.” Renny blinked a few times, then opened Joker's video. “No, don't—”

_“Hi, Ren,” Joker said into the camera, his eyes red and his skin pale. His stubble was longer than usual, as though he'd neglected shaving for days. He was silent for a while, shifting uncomfortably in his seat and avoiding the gaze of the camera. Eventually he laughed, the sound short and mirthless. “Hell. Liara said this was supposed to help...” His eyes flicked up to the camera, a tiny smile quirking up the corners of his lips. “You should've heard everyone today. I think they're all in love with you. Except maybe Liara, she's all Shepard's. And Ashley, but you two never really got along...” He sighed, running a hand through his hair and knocking his ballcap off behind him. “Kaidan blames himself, y'know. He says he's the last one you talked to. I didn't tell him the truth. I think he'd hate me if I did. Not that I care, but you would.” One hand covered his eyes, squeezing at his temples before he reached behind him and retrieved his hat. He held it by the brim, just staring at the black-stitched 'SR1'. “You always wanted this damn thing,” He mused, his voice cracking. “I should've let you have it...” A glisten of tears glassed over his eyes, and he took a moment to readjust his hat on his head and sniff back his emotion. “I should go. Someone has to tell Liara her little therapy idea was bullshit.” Then the camera clicked off._

“Not my finest moment,” Joker said quietly after a moment. Renny shifted, swallowing past the lump in her throat as she shut down the omni-tool. “Ren? You alright?”

“Yeah. I just... No more today,” She replied with a forced smile, her thoughts obviously elsewhere.

“Coming into Omega, Mr. Moreau,” EDI chirped beside them. Joker grimaced.

“Thanks, Mom.” Then he turned his attention back to Renny, who was wriggling out of her seat. “Whoa whoa whoa. Where are you going?”

“I need to get into my gear. Omega is dangerous.” He shook his head and latched both arms around her waist, holding on tight. “Joker—”

“Not until you tell me what's wrong.”

“It's just... It's awful to see you like that. And I'm angry and heartbroken and I don't know how to make up for the hurt I caused...”

“It's easy,” Joker grinned. “At least for me.” Renny lifted a brow in question, and Joker looked her straight in the eyes. “Just apologize. Say 'Joker, I'm sorry I sacrificed myself for you when I should've saved myself and I promise I won't ever die for two years again'.” She rolled her eyes at him but clasped his hand in hers.

“Joker, I'm sorry I died for two years and I'll try not to do it again.” She glanced down at their fingers, loosely entwined and fitting together nicely. “But I'm not sorry for saving you, and if I have to do it again, I'm going to. No arguments about it.”

“Maybe some arguments,” He amended, eyes narrowing.

“Just a few,” She allowed with a smile, getting up out of his chair but pausing before she left. “Joker?”

“Hm?”

“In the vid, you said everyone was in love with me.” Renny rested her elbows on the back of the chair, her chin in her hands and a grin on her face. “Is that including the best damn helmsman in the entire Alliance fleet?”

“Wouldn't you like to know?” He teased. Renny heaved an exaggerated sigh.

“One day you'll tell me, Jeff Moreau.” She shoved away from his chair, hearing the soft sound it made as it spun around, feeling Joker's eyes on her. “Either you'll say it, or I might just have to give up on you.”

“Nah, you like me too much,” Joker called after her, laughter in his tone.


	4. Chapter 4

When the Normandy's airlock door hissed open for the second time, Joker turned his chair with a sassy comment about there being a limit on the number of strange salarians he was allowing onboard. Before he could get out the first words, Jacob limped down the bridge. One of his arms was around Miranda's waist, covering a wound that dripped red onto her monochromatic armor. Joker's heart leapt into his throat.

“EDI, get the doctor on standby. Lieutenant Taylor! What happened?” He said all in a rush.

“Mercenaries,” Jacob replied through gritted teeth before another crew member came to help him get Miranda down to the medbay. As they departed, the salarian that had arrived earlier bustled across the bridge.

“Came to help,” Mordin huffed at Joker, looking around the cockpit with big eyes. “Where is the girl soldier?”

“Who?” Joker blinked, just as the airlock doors opened once more.

“Mordin,” Renny said, out of breath. “Get your lab ready.”

“At once.” And with that he rushed back to his lair, leaving Joker to strain for his crutches. Once he could tuck them under his arms, he got to his feet and hobbled to help Renny. She was doubled over, exertion reddening her face and exhaustion making her muscles shake. Draped across her back and dwarfing her in size was a bloodied, unconscious turian. Through a sheen of sweat, Renny's eyes met Joker's, and despite everything she was the one who looked concerned.

“You shouldn't be up,” She said, forcing a laugh out of Joker.

“Keep bringing in strays and someone's going to have to share your quarters.” Renny shifted the turian gently, not even flinching when its head lolled and left a streak of blood against her cheek.

“He's not a stray,” She commented fondly, albeit a little breathlessly. “He's just coming home.”

“Is that... Vakarian?” Joker gaped when Renny nodded. A tiny groan came from Garrus, and Renny's expression quickly turned alarmed.

“I need to get him to Mordin before he wakes up. He's gonna be in a lot of pain.” She took a deep breath and hoisted Garrus higher up, taking a few shaky steps while balancing his entire body weight on the flat plane of her bent back.

“Ren, you need help, you're gonna break something,” Joker said, but she quickly waved a hand before using it to hold onto Garrus's elbow.

“You're gonna break something. Sit down. Direct order.”

.

A tap on his head made Joker startle, nearly jumping out of his seat. Behind him came a familiar giggle, and he scowled without any real anger. Renny sat at his feet as she normally did, her smirk all too self-satisfied.

“I'm fitting you with a bell. Or a tracker. Or something.” He tapped a few buttons, nodding to himself before idling the console. “How's Garrus?”

“He'll be just fine.” The relief in her voice was evident, but the equally noticeable notes of affection made him growl internally. “He's awake and the biggest wounds are healing nicely, thanks to Mordin and medi-gel.” She laughed a little bit. “Poor thing's fussing about his armor.”

“Why?”

“It's covered in blood and shot to hell.” She flexed her fingers then wiggled them at Joker; only then did he notice the smudges of black and blue. “I've been cleaning it up.”

“Uh-huh.” Renny squinted, then her face broke out in a shit-eating grin. Joker studiously ignored her, even when she rolled to her knees and poked at his side.

“Is that jealousy I hear, Mr. Moreau?”

“Not even a little.”

“So you don't mind that Garrus gave me a hug?”

“Nope.”

“Or that he promised me a nice dual-chiralty dinner next time we're on Citadel?”

“What's dinner between two friends?” She leveled her gaze at him, his bright green eyes cool and collected as he stared back. Finally she sighed, dropping her forehead against the arm of his chair.

“What's it gonna take?” She whined.

“It would take feelings, first of all,” Joker replied easily, turning his attention back to the ship diagnostics as they headed towards Purgatory. The prison ship was in sight, maybe a few minutes away, its docking bay open and awaiting the Normandy.

“But you have feelings.”

“What gave you that impression, huh?” He was teasing, thought it was clear that he was teasing, and so didn't look to Renny to give her the playful smirk that guaranteed the insincerity of his words. She was quiet for a long moment, enough to get Joker's attention. He opened his mouth to check on her, but the comm radio crackled to life with the landing bay officer's voice.

“SSV Normandy SR-2, you are cleared for entry,” The radio said.

“Copy that, Normandy coming in,” Joker replied, bringing the ship into the bay. By the time it was finished and he could speak to Renny, she'd already disappeared.

.

Joker checked the functionality of the communications link for the fifth time, seeing that it was indeed working just as well as it had been the other four times. That left only a few possibilities. One, the mission was actually going off without a hitch, hence there was no need for Renny to use her comms—unlikely, given the track record of their missions. Two, the mission had gone sour quickly and Renny, Jacob, and Miranda had been killed before any of them could get off an SOS—highly unlikely, though the miniscule chance gave Joker a worry-induced headache. Three—

“Mr. Moreau, acting captain Shepard has requested that the Normandy be ready for immediate departure in approximately two-point-five minutes,” EDI said, interrupting his thoughts. “I have already opened the airlock and engaged the drive core.”

“Why didn't she tell me herself?” Joker grumbled, snapping to attention and pulling up the console controls. He disengaged the ship from the docking arms, hovering in place just beside the dock. It would be a jump for the shore party to board, but not a far nor dangerous one. “The comms are all working properly, aren't they?”

“They are.”

“So what the hell?”

“Acting captain Shepard requested that her communications go directly to my platform, and asked for the link to remain private.”

“Are you her new favorite or something?” He griped, hearing shouts and gunfire as the shore party arrived. Four distinct thumps signaled their successful boarding, then EDI closed the airlock doors and Joker maneuvered the Normandy away from the prison ship.

.

Four days passed with absolute silence from Renny, and it was grating Joker's nerves. Her lack of visits while they were sailing through space was fine, he supposed, albeit annoying. Knowing her penchant for curiosity, Joker assumed that Renny was spending her time getting to know the new recruits she'd picked up at the Illusive Man's request. Still, he spent his time monitoring the on-ship cameras, making sure he wasn't wrong.

Indeed, he wasn't. Renny spent hours perched atop one of the counters in the lab, engaged in discussion with Mordin and actually allowing him to run some tests on her for God-knows-what reason. Every mealtime, she took two trays down to the storage space under the engineering deck and ate with Jack, which was concerning considering the biotic girl was only recently liberated from the highest security prison block in known space. Most of her other hours were spent with Garrus in the medbay while he was recovering, then in the main battery room that he'd claimed as his.

It was the evening hours that disgruntled him the most. A few times he'd seen her coming up the elevator to the CIC and bridge, and he was just positive that she'd be tapping his head and grinning at him within a minute. But instead she stayed in the elevator, hurriedly altering course to her quarters and disappearing inside. Joker had hacked that camera's privacy lock, grinding his teeth together when he saw that she just curled up on the couch in her quarters and fiddled with a datapad. That was their time, when she was tired but just couldn't bring herself to sleep and he was tired but had a few more hours on his shift. She would sit at his feet, staring up at the stars through the large overhead windows, rambling about whatever was on her mind and begging him for stories—even knowing that he embellished and exaggerated most all of them. He hadn't realized how much he depended on those evening hours to keep him sane until the SR-1 crashed. Almost as if he were keeping up with their routine, he had spent each night those two years sitting near a window and looking at the night sky, drinking with the television on low volume and pretending the murmur of whatever was playing was her voice. Now that she was back, she'd picked up where they'd left off. Up until recently.

“Mr. Moreau, acting captain Shepard requested that the Normandy be moved to an alternate extraction location. I have input the coordinates.”

“Any reason why?” He asked, moving the ship and lowering it closer to the ground.

“She said, quote, 'large cargo'. I am opening the storage bay doors.” Joker held the Normandy afloat, watching a huge glass-and-metal tube being loaded onto the ship. Jack looked on with disinterest, Garrus with wariness, and Renny with what seemed to be... concern? Protectiveness? Whatever it was, she kept one hand on the tube as it was set into position in the storage bay and hooked up to the Normandy for a power source. When the blue lights inside the tube flickered to life, Joker's jaw dropped. A krogan—a fully grown krogan—was suspended in the mineral-enriched fluid, tubes hooked up to monitor its vital signs.

Jack wandered back to her dark, cluttered lair. Garrus exited, too, after putting a hand on Renny's shoulder and saying something that made her laugh. Joker waited for Renny to leave, hoping to hack into the elevator and trap her on the bridge so she had to speak to him. Instead, she peered into the tube, observing the krogan up close before sitting cross-legged on the storage room floor.

“The hell is she doing, EDI?” He asked the AI, annoyed that he couldn't hear.

“I cannot say, Mr. Moreau. Acting captain Shepard requested that her communications link remain private.”

“Right, but you can give me a summary, can't you? The communications are technically still private,” He entreated. EDI hesitated, her blue hologram form flickering with indecision.

“She is speaking to the krogan.”

“About...?”

“Her personal life. I do not think the acting captain would wish me to discuss such information with you, Mr. Moreau, considering she has temporarily removed you from her communications channel.” Joker wrinkled his nose at that reminder, thinking as quickly as he could.

“Would you be authorized to override Renny's request if her mental stability were in question?” He asked, lifting an eyebrow. It was a stretch, but still...

“A certified health official would be required to make that judgment.” Joker tapped on the console controls, pulling up a comm link to the medbay.

“Hey Doc, Renny is talking to an unconscious krogan in a tank that she brought aboard just a few minutes ago, is that considered mental instability?” He asked. Chakwas was quiet for a moment, absorbing the rush of words that Joker had just said.

“I suppose...?” She answered, and the pilot looked to EDI's plinth.

“Accepted,” The AI said. Joker thanked the doctor and shut off the link.

“Open a one-sided connection, so that I can hear her but she can't hear me,” Joker instructed, and EDI did so. He zoomed in on the security camera as Renny's voice spoke in his earpiece.

“... thought I made the right choice,” She was saying, tracing nonsensical patterns on the metal plating of the floor. “I had nothing, and I thought I'd find something in the Alliance. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe enlisting was a mistake.” She drew her knees up to her chest, looping her arms around them. “Maybe getting on the Normandy was a mistake.” She paused for a moment, looking rather miserable until she shook her head. “No, it wasn't. If I hadn't been there, Kaidan would be dead. Maybe Wrex, too. Ashley really wanted to shoot him. And Je—Joker.” She gave the krogan a curious glance even though it wasn't looking at her. “Do krogan have fairytale stories like the humans do? Probably not. Your people are much more practical than mine. There's no time for fantasies about Prince Charming when the galaxy is at risk.” There was a pause, as if she were trying to convince herself of her own words, then she sighed. “I still hope for it, sometimes. Even if it's stupid.” A small little smile curved her lips. “A castle on the cliffs over the sea, wearing pretty dresses with a handsome prince at my side.” She giggled to herself. “Or just a nice house with a handsome husband and no impending Collector abductions to worry about.” Her amusement faded, replaced by a sad, distant thoughtfulness. “Michael wanted that, after his tour was over. He said he'd marry me and get us a nice place in Arizona.” Joker felt a stabbing twist in his stomach, only barely assuaged by Renny's next words. “I was so infatuated with him, but it wasn't love. I was a backup plan, a failsafe. A guarantee that he wouldn't be alone after his service.” She scoffed. “He even told me he didn't love me that way, but I was so desperate that I would have agreed.”

“Mr. Moreau, my monitors indicate you are experiencing emotional distress. I recommend that you stop listening to the acting captain's communications,” EDI chimed in softly, but Joker shook his head, focused on the screen.

“'The best we can hope for in this great big galaxy is to experience happiness, no matter how swift,'” Renny said, studying the tank. “My father said that. He struggled for his whole life, working two and three jobs at a time just to take care of his family, and then ours. We were his happiness, my mother and I. He told me on my sixteenth birthday that he was the luckiest man in the galaxy for having sixteen years of being happy.” She let out a short breath, a mirthless laugh. “And it ended at the end of a slaver's gun barrel.” There was a pause where she traced her finger across the edges of the tank. “Everyone thinks the krogan are the most violent creatures in the galaxy, but the slavers are worse. They killed my mother while my father watched. He couldn't protect her. I couldn't, either.”

“Jesus,” Joker breathed, rubbing his jaw.

“Guess that's the heroic reason for joining the Alliance,” Renny said with a wry smile at the unconscious krogan. “It does sound better than saying I joined up in the hopes of finding a dashing young soldier who would sweep me off my feet. That was a stupid dream to begin with...” She took a moment to sigh, glancing around the room to reaffirm that it was empty. Joker suddenly felt a wave of guilt at listening in when she clearly didn't want him to, but rationalized that he wouldn't have had to take such extreme measures if she'd just talked to him. So really it was her fault. Mostly. “I hope you don't mind all this. The Warlord told us that you could hear inside the tank... I suppose I'm just being a coward, spilling my thoughts to someone who can't answer back. You'd probably scowl at me and tell me what a fool I'm being. Rightfully so.” She adjusted her position, leaning a shoulder against the tank and pressing her temple to the glass. “I think I could be happy with Kaidan. He's a good man, a good soldier. He'd be faithful. We could have a house in Vancouver near his family. White picket fence. Couple of dogs.” Joker's teeth ground together, even as he acknowledged the truth of her statements. That's exactly the kind of life they would have, and it would be good, and they would be happy.

“Mr. Moreau, I must again express concern—”

“It's fine, EDI.”

“Garrus and I would take care of each other, just like always,” Renny said with a faint smile. “We've been friends for a while. It might be nice to be more. I think maybe he'd be interested in it. Maybe I should ask...” She scoffed again. “'Course, I'm the worst judge of men's interest. Je—Joker proved that.”

“Shit.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. It was his fault, all along. “Shit, shit, shit.” He turned his chair and reached for his crutches, tucking them beneath his arms and heading for the door.

“Mr. Moreau—”

“Don't tell her I'm waiting for her. Please, EDI. She'll ignore me if she knows, and I have to fix this.” The blue plinth flickered with indecision.

“The acting captain has shown increased amounts of stress and exhaustion. If you believe you can return the acting captain to her regular emotional state, I will allow you access to her quarters.”


	5. Chapter 5

Renny sighed as her cabin doors slid shut behind her, locking with a soft click. She stripped out of her armor, wearing only her chafe-proof black leggings and gray undershirt. All her muscles ached and she was desperate for a shower, but a yawn interrupted all that. She blinked the tiredness out of her eyes, squinting at the body that had appeared just a few steps away from her. Then her mouth dropped open and a startled squeak choked its way out of her throat, and she half-turned on her heel to dart back out of the room.

“Ren, just hear me out,” Joker said, holding his hands up in a show of peace.

“How did you get in here?” She demanded, defensive instinct taking precedent.

“That doesn't matter. Look, we need to talk.” He motioned vaguely towards the bathroom. “Go shower and stuff if you want. I'll wait out here.” Renny gave him a long, cautious stare, then she edged her way into the bathroom. The shower was a far cry from relaxing and did nothing to ease the tension that tightened all of her muscles. She stayed in just long enough to wash the grime and sweat from her body, then she toweled off and pulled on the sweatpants and tank top combination she used as pajamas. Every instinct she had was telling her to run and hide, but she let the nervous butterflies in her stomach propel her forward until she hovered anxiously beside the couch. Joker glanced up at her and patted the cushion next to him. Hesitantly she sat down, twisting her fingers together in her lap. “There aren't any weapons nearby, are there?”

“What?”

“I don't want to get shot for my little confession,” He said with a tense chuckle.

“Garrus has my guns right now,” Renny said mildly, “but I still have biotics.”

“Right.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“I wouldn't use them,” She told him, a note of defeat, of resigned hurt in her tone. He was quiet for a minute, then he scoffed a little and pulled his hat off, wringing the fabric between his hands.

“I'm no good at this serious stuff, Ren, you know that,” He began, not looking at her. “I guess I can start with an apology. I made EDI let me listen to your private comms today, and that was pretty shitty of me to invade your privacy like that, so I'm sorry.”

“How did you... She said nobody could...” Renny had paled, the color making the shadows under her eyes stand out in stark relief. A wave of guilt crashed over Joker.

“I saw you on the security cameras talking to that tank, and... well... I got Dr. Chakwas to declare it mentally unstable so that EDI could bypass the privacy lock.”

“So if you heard everything, what's left to say?” She was back on the defense, trying to make her words scathing hot while maintaining a cold exterior.

“I'm sorry about your family, I had no idea—”

“If you're just here to pity me, then go. Please.”

“No, that's not it, I just don't know where to start.” He huffed a sigh, readjusting his hat on his head and lowering the bill as if it were a shield. “Look, I didn't mean to make you mad the other day. I thought you knew I was joking. It's kinda what I do. I mean, hell, my name is Joker.”

“It's fine, Joker,” Renny sighed. “If that was the truth, then—”

“But it's not!” He interrupted, quieting her. “That wasn't the truth at all. I'm just trying to ignore the truth.”

“Why?” Her voice was a whisper. Suddenly he couldn't sit still anymore, lifting up on his crutches and pacing in a shuffle back and forth in front of her armor locker.

“Why me, Ren? Why the hell would you like me? You told the krogan you wanted the fairytale prince with the white horse and the killing dragons and stuff, and that's not me! I can't be that guy, not ever. The dragon could _look_ at me and I'd probably die. Riding horses, forget that. And sweeping you off your feet?” He scoffed, shaking his head. “I couldn't lift you three inches.” On a self-deprecating rant now, Joker continued. “I can't protect you. Can't even protect myself; Alchera proved all that. I'm an almost-thirty-year-old crippled flight lieutenant and you're... you.” He waved a hand to gesture at her, green eyes shining with a mixture of emotions that she couldn't decipher. “You're young and healthy and brave as all hell. You're a Shepard—do you know how damn intimidating you Shepards are?” He ran a hand over his face. “You could get anyone you wanted. Anyone better than me.”

“Is that what you want me to do?” The question ached so much that Joker felt sick. Somehow he knew that her actions entirely depended on his response. She wouldn't act on her own feelings, only on his words. The gravity of the situation weighed on him, making him want to turn to humor or deflection, but he knew he couldn't, not now. Honesty, no matter how terrifying, was the only option.

“No,” He said. “No, I don't want that.” Renny's surprised glance didn't pass him by.

“Then...?”

“Ren, there are a million reasons why this shouldn't happen,” Joker said, sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of her. “But... Well, a guy like me would be insane to turn down a Shepard.”

“So I'm just a Shepard?” She asked, and he grimaced.

“No, I just mean that you're amazing and I'm... well. Y'know.” He motioned towards his legs, which were shaking from the exertion of standing for so long. Embarrassment mixed with frustration as he watched the trembling of his thighs. Suddenly a hand was on his cheek, urging his chin upwards. Renny's eyes were soft and sincere as she looked at him.

“There is nothing wrong with you, Jeff Moreau. You have Vrolik's Syndrome, yes—it's a part of who you are—but you're still the most incredible pilot the galaxy has ever seen. Anyone will agree to that.”

“Yeah, but when I'm not a pilot anymore, I'll just be another disabled guy,” He muttered, and she shook her head.

“Not true. You'll still be you. You are more than your medical condition.”

“Like hell I am.” His words were sour with the old bitterness of a belief long accepted as truth. Renny hesitated, but took a steadying breath and closed her eyes.

“My medical condition makes me unfit for service. Or at least it would, if the Alliance knew about it,” She confessed with the barest hint of a wry smile. “That's the thing about mental disorders—there's no proof unless you know what you're looking for.”

“What's your... condition?” He asked as gently as he could manage with the large amounts of curiosity overwhelming him.

“Generalized anxiety disorder. I have... attacks... that kind of paralyze me. If one of them happened on the battlefield, I'd be killed.” She shifted uncomfortably, clearing her throat. “So we're the same. Actually, you're better than I am, because you told the Alliance about your condition and they still allow you to do your job.” Her eyes locked on his, a blush on her cheeks. “You're incredible.” And for probably the first time in his life, Joker was speechless. At his silence, Renny turned even more red, unable to meet his gaze as she fiddled with the edge of her shirt. “B-But I understand if you don't want... this.” She got to her feet, rubbing her palms down her sweats as she paced, forcing a giggle out of her throat. “I mean, you have bigger things to deal with than an anxious little orphan girl with no experience in... well, a-anything, really.”

“Acting captain Shepard, the Illusive Man has altered our course. We are approximately half an hour away from Horizon. There are reports of an impending Collector attack on the colony,” EDI said, and Renny was visibly relieved at being saved.

“Thank you, EDI.” She ran a nervous hand through her hair, pulling the strands up into a ponytail. “We should get down to the bridge, I need to find Garrus and Jack—”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Joker said, tucking his crutches back under his arms and making his way up to where Renny was typing on her datapad. “Ren, hold on. We have a half hour. Come sit back down.” She hesitated, obviously not wanting to get back into their discussion. He rolled his eyes. “You know you'll be distracted on Horizon if we don't settle this now. Garrus will be pissed if he has to take another rocket for you.” Reluctantly Renny followed Joker back to the couches, sitting on the very edge of the cushion. He clapped his hands once. “Okay. So where were we?” Then he snapped his fingers. “Right, right, you were saying why we shouldn't do this. Let's start there. Let's list every possible reason why we shouldn't, and decide how much we care.” He leaned back, settling into the couch. “One: I'm basically cradlerobbing.” That startled a laugh out of Renny.

“You are not. I'm nine—I mean, I'm old enough.” Joker's eyes widened.

“Nineteen?” He exclaimed, groaning as she nodded and putting his hands over his face. “I'm such a creep.” He dropped his hands to his lap with a sigh. “Alright, how much do we care?”

“Not much,” Renny confessed, trying out a playful smirk. “I've always had a thing for older guys. Plus, officially, I'm twenty-one, so...”

“You lied on your enlistment form?” He lifted a brow, slightly impressed. “Badass. Okay, two: you're the Commander's cousin.”

“Jane is dating an asari. At least I'm within my species,” Renny shrugged. “Plus she likes you. I think. She'll probably be okay with it. Three: I'm... inexperienced. With romance stuff.”

“How inexperienced are we talking? Like 'boys have space-cooties' inexperienced or...?”

“I'm not a baby,” Renny rolled her eyes. “I've just never... y'know.”

“Held hands? Kissed? Gazed longingly into another's eyes?”

“Sex, Joker. I've never had sex,” She said with red cheeks.

“Oh, good. Makes it easier on me.” His response clearly surprised her, and he quirked up the corner of his mouth in a smirk. “You can't be disappointed in the brittle-bone guy's performance if you don't have anything to compare it to. But that's not to say I'm a bad performer. 'Cause trust me, I can rock your world.” When she didn't immediately giggle, Joker reached out to poke her shoulder. “Only when you're ready, Ren. No rush.”

“Thanks,” She said with relief. “Four?”

“Four: I can't be the knight in shining armor.” He looked distinctly disappointed and uncomfortable when he said the words, knowing their truth. “I'm not what you said you wanted.”

“You're so ridiculous.” Renny scooted just a bit closer to him, poking a finger at his chest—right above his heart. “That's what makes a knight. You already protect me whether you realize it or not.”

“What about sweeping you off of your feet?” He inquired.

“You fly me through the stars,” Renny laughed. “I think that covers it.”

“You're such a sap,” Joker cooed, earning a slap on the shoulder. “Number five might be the fact that we're heading into a Collector war.”

“No big deal, right?”

“Nah.” He rolled his shoulders and stretched his arms. “So, anything else you can think of?”

“Not in particular.” She bit her lip, blushing. “So...”

“So you're stuck with me now, acting captain, ma'am,” Joker grinned, nudging Renny's shoulder. “Think you can handle it?”

“I'll be happy to try.”

“Acting captain, we are entering Horizon's atmosphere,” EDI chirped. Renny sighed and got to her feet, retrieving her under-armor jumpsuit and her gear.

“Duty calls. EDI, will you alert Garrus and Jack for me, please?”

“Yes, acting captain.”

“And as for you,” Renny continued, coming back around to the couch and pinching Joker's chin in her hands to give him a stern look. “Stay here and get some sleep. You never rest enough.”

“Can't do that, acting captain,” Joker replied in a teasing tone as she stepped into the bathroom to change. “Who else is gonna rescue your ass when things go sideways?”

“How do you know they'll go sideways? I am perfectly capable of running a mission without any complications,” Renny called back.

“Yeah but how often does that happen?” The bathroom door slid open a moment after, and Renny strutted out, still snapping on her armor buckles.

“So it's rare,” She shrugged, “but it's possible.” Once her armor was completely fastened, she released her hair from its tie and shook out the strands. “I'll see you when I see you.”

“Wait, come back,” He demanded, standing up on his crutches and meeting her at the stairs.

“Hm?” She hummed, turning around just as Joker pressed his lips against her cheek. Immediately she turned a bright shade of pink.

“See ya, Ren,” He grinned, playfully slapping at her rear as she exited her cabin.


End file.
